Getting Past Those Less-Than-Wonderful Feelings ~ Laurie Schnebly Campbell

 


Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

We’ve been through a year of more trouble than usual, and sometimes the bad feelings can get kind of overwhelming. So here’s a list of the four questions to answer anytime you're faced with ANY emotion you'd just as soon not be feeling.



Number One: What IS this feeling?

 

Anger? Dread? Sadness? Envy? Boredom? Incompetence? You name it. Just being able to identify the feeling gives us more of a sense of control...and a sense of control does wonders for our self-esteem.


Number Two: Where did this feeling come from?

 

Photo by Hybrid on Unsplash
The new project not working? My friend forgetting my
birthday? Having my idea rejected? A bad hair day? Whatever it is, identify the source. You need to know what got you started feeling this way.



Number Three: How long do I want to keep this feeling?

 

Ten minutes? Two weeks? Four hours? For something like a death in the family, it could last for years. But even so, you want to break it into manageable chunks. Let's say if my cousin died and I was looking at our old photos and it made me feel sad, I might choose to really FEEL that sadness for fifteen minutes. After fifteen minutes, I have to stop.

 

"Wait a minute," you say. "I'm sad! I can't just stop being sad."

 

But let's say I'm looking at the photos feeling sad, and all of a sudden a crazed drug lord breaks into my house with an assault rifle and says, "I'm going down and I'm takin' you down with me."

 

Am I going to sit there being sad?

 

Nope -- I'm gonna get away from the drug lord.

 

Once I've raced next door and called 911, I can go back to being sad if I want to. But for that two minutes of fleeing from the drug lord, I WASN'T sad.

 

Why not? After all, none of this changed the fact that my cousin died, that I miss her and my life will never be the same and these photos remind me of how great she was and I'll never see her again. Nothing has changed except that for two minutes, I quit feeling sad.

 

And you know how we never do anything without a reason? Whatever my reason, I chose to quit feeling sad.

 

Maybe I didn't consciously stop and make the choice: "Let's see, I think I'll quit feeling sad for the next two minutes in order to save my life." Or, in order to save my sanity. Or, to save myself from feeling lousy. But for whatever reason, I made the choice to quit feeling sad. And I can make that choice anytime I want to.

 

Photo by Daniel Gonzalez on Unsplash

Big sentence, there:

I can make that choice anytime I want to.

This means I can decide how long I want to feel sad about my cousin before I quit to save myself from the drug lord...or to save myself from the misery. An hour? Ten minutes? Whatever. You have a pretty good sense of how long you can experience a feeling before you want to move onto something else. So I might decide that I'm going to feel sad for half an hour. But after that, I have to quit and move onto something else.

 

Now that doesn't mean I can't feel sad again later on. But what's important is to decide how long I want to keep this feeling right NOW. And then to stick to whatever amount of time that is, and move onto something else.

 

Which leads to our last question, and it's the most important.


Number Four. Once the time is up on this feeling, what am I going to replace it with?

 

It has to be an action, not just another feeling. I can't decide, "Okay, in ten minutes I'm gonna start feeling...let's see, ecstatic." What I CAN do is choose an action -- and if it's an action that’ll make me feel ecstatic, then that’s fine.

 

If I'm feeling sad about my cousin, what I might put in place of that sadness is a quick run around the block. Or a phone call to a friend. Or a trip to the grocery store. Some specific action that will get my mind off the sadness.

 

And what's amazing is that this works. You might find yourself driving to the grocery store and suddenly feeling sad again -- but when that happens you remind yourself, "Oops! Time's up. Right now I'm doing the shopping; I already DID my half hour of sadness." You can do another half hour later on if you want, but right now you stay focused on the grocery store.

 

So you see how it goes? And you can do this on your own, anytime you want to.

 

It's hard to believe how well this works until you've actually tried it. Next time you're mad at your husband or hurt by your critique partner or frustrated with your car or whatever, pick how long you want to keep that feeling -- don't cheat yourself, pick as long a time as you want -- and then pick what you're gonna put in its place.

 

I guarantee you, it'll work. Because it reminds you of something we all tend to forget, and that is:

 

We are in control of our choices. We're not always in control of our circumstances, but we ARE in control of our choices. We can choose how to deal with rejection, frustration, boredom, fear, you name it. We can choose how long we want to grieve, who we want to share the pain with, what we're gonna do in pursuit of our goals -- those are all our choices, and nobody else's.

 

Photo by Fernando Brasil on Unsplash
So celebrate the fact that you are in control. And
regardless of what you decide to do when faced with any bad situation, you can make whatever choices you want.

 


Acknowledge it. Use it. You'll be amazed at how powerful you are.


Laurie Schnebly Campbell teaches creative people about ways of improving their life -- like in the two-week class called “New Year, New You” starting on Monday (January 18) at https://rwasd.com/classes/.

 



37 comments:

  1. Great suggestions, Laurie. We can use all the help we can get in these troubled times.

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    1. Bill, you're so right -- ANY source of help is handy, and all the more so when it's something we can do without depending on anyone else in the supply chain!

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  2. Excellent blog, Laurie! I'm going to put your suggestions into practice right now. :)

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    1. Well, how cool! If you get a chance, let me know (Laurie Schnebly at gmail) how the process worked for you. :)

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  3. Thanks Laurie for your great suggestions. With so many less than wonderful feelings to process these days, these tips will be put to good use immediately. Here's to better days ahead!

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    1. Melinda, it's hard to think of a better toast than that...sounds like something the Getaway Gang would say, doesn't it!

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  4. You sound like my therapist (!!) who always said that our emotions follow our thoughts, so concentrate/do something else. Thanks for the reminder!

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    1. Sometimes the identification just goes into the ether. But as a low-tech solution, there's always the option of just typing "Hi, this is Zelda" somewhere in your message -- heck, you could say that even if your name ISN'T Zelda :)

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  5. Sounds like your therapist is a good source of wisdom -- these tips are something my mom learned back in the 1970s when she was getting her master's in counseling, and they've been working ever since!

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  6. Love the reminder that we do have control over our thoughts and to switch out of sad/bad mood is a choice more easily accomplished through action. Makes sense. Thanks, as always, for your sage advice. :)

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    1. Jackie, thanks for having me -- it's always fun visiting Originality by Design!

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  7. I love this, Laurie. I think I do this intuitively - I always use "doing" to move forward. The way you've pulled out the four steps is really useful. The thing is, big feelings are important, and we have to honor them, but we should, as you so simply state it, be in control. Of course, "doing" won't diminish the reality of the big feeling, it just helps us move on. I'll add that I can as easily be derailed by a 'positive' feeling (excitement at a full manuscript request, for example) - and equally important to keep "doing" things. Just don't ignore the feelings entirely ��

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    1. Sarah, good point about the positive feelings being every bit as distracting as the negative ones -- and the four steps apply to those equally well. Although "what am I gonna put in its place" is probably a different action for a ms request than for, say, a bad haircut. :)

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    2. For me, often, "what am I going to put in its place" is more about "do the next right thing." Basically, keep moving forward, after giving myself time to dwell in sorrow or celebrate joy.

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    3. Oh, Sarah, I remember loving that phrase about "do the next right thing" -- was it in a movie? If so, do you remember which one?

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    4. I think the phrase is as old as the hills. I picked it up from someone else way back in the 80s, and it's stuck with me. But I guess there's a song with that title in the movie Frozen 2, which I haven't seen.

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    5. Oh, you're right, it was Frozen 2 -- thanks, Sarah!

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  8. Hi Laurie, I love the CBT approach to dealing with troubling feelings, which of course are coming from troubling thoughts. I especially like the idea of swapping one thing (good) for another (bad). I believe that bad habits must be swapped out for good habits because otherwise you have a type of "vacuum" in your behaviors and this can't work as you will Hoover the old behavior back in. Thanks for some really practical ideas.

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    1. Carol, it's such fun to think of Hoovering old behavior into a vacuum -- what a wonderful image!

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  9. Right now I'm feeling very nervous because I have to pitch my book Zoom to Zoom. I'm going to own this for 50 minutes until the pitch is complete.

    Great post. I'm going to send this to a coworker who I was counseling this morning about what steps she wants to take in life. My advice, think about the choices and pick the one that truly makes you feel happy.

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    1. Darlene, I love knowing your pitch went beautifully -- and how cool that you shared this with a co-worker! Looks like good karma coming back your way. :)

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  10. Thank you so much for your timely reminders. We really are in charge of our thoughts. Once we can get out of our heads and replace those thoughts with ones that benefit us, we are all the better.

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    1. Grace, your "get out of our heads" phrase is perfect...as creative people, we naturally spend a LOT of time in our heads, and so it's easy to get too caught up in thoughts that don't benefit us. Replacing 'em is exactly the right way to look at it!

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  11. Picking an action ahead of time is such good advice. And I like that you've kept the bar low -- run around the block, not run a mile. I'll think of this next time I'm hit with an unwelcome emotion. BTW: Did you know that Johnny Cash used to schedule time to worry?

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    1. What a kick about Johnny Cash scheduling time to worry...I'd never heard that, and it's brilliant because it's such a great reminder that he/we could/can TAKE control of thoughts about anything. Good point on not running a mile...at least not if it isn't something familiar. :)

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  12. Wonderful suggestions and a good way to take back control.
    Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Marj, it's always a treat for me to hang out with creative people -- we're just so much more interesting than, well, just about anyone else!

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  13. Laurie,
    Great insight and suggestions, as usual! Thanks for sharing.

    Tawn

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    1. Oh, Tawn, you're welcome -- and thanks for all the fascinating questions you come up with; it's a treat having a thinker like you in the room!

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  14. Laurie, you brought back a lovely memory. My ex-husband (boyfriend at the time) and I were in college, and I was worrying - I worried a lot then. He said what you said - schedule a time to worry, and really give it all your attention and energy. When your time is up, go do something else. Yes, it works. This week, I've been angry. When I've used up my angry time, I read or write or Netflix and chill. For me, it doesn't have to be physical action.

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    1. Meg, good point on how the "do something else" doesn't have to involve moving your body around...just your mind. (Well, and maybe your fingers on the keypad.) And how cool to hear that it's been working for you ever since college!

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  15. Great insight and perspective, Laurie! This is especially relevant in our crazy times!

    Erynn Crowley

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    1. Erynn, you're right about how crazy our lives are today -- even when everything else is going well, there's always plenty more to feel stressed about!

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  16. A helpful blog especially given the anxiety and sadness many of us are feeling as a result of the pandemic. I will remember this advise when sadness threatens to overwhelm me. Thank you

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